Care and Feeding for Your New Platonic Friend

SELECTING YOUR NEW PLATONIC FRIEND

It is very important that you choose your new platonic friend carefully . Whether she is a new acquantaince, or an old friend who you've just been awakened to, she should cause you to exhibit some of the following symptoms:

hot sweats
cold sweats
nausea
shaking
difficulty sleeping
unexplained euphoria or depression
inability to construct coherent sentences
distraction or preoccupation due to constant thinking about her
biting of the tongue or lower lip to prevent blurting the words, "I love you!" in casual conversations with her

NOTE: Liquefaction of your internal organs is not necessarily a symptom of any condition caused by her, and in fact may indicate infection by the Ebola virus. See your physician if you are uncertain of your condition.

CULTIVATING YOUR NEW PLATONIC FRIEND

Caring for a new platonic friend requires a lot of time, careful attention, and perseverance. However, you must resist temptations to devote too much attention to your platonic friend, as overly large expressions of affection can ruin a platonic friendship. Therefore, strive to nurse your platonic friendship as you would care for a good wood-fired pit barbeque:

"Low heat"

Too much enthusiasm can ruin a good platonic friendship...keep those fires low!

Example: don't feel obligated to follow her wherever she goes.

"Lots of smoke"

You must be prepared to keep your true feelings concealed. Always be ready to change the subject, and always have a few alibis on hand.

Example: she asks, "Have you been following me around?"

You respond: "What an odd coincidence. Speaking of following, have you been following professional basketball?"

"A little fire"

Like with any friends, you will have your differences with your new platonic friend. These are to be expected; don't be discouraged.

Example: she says, "I know you've been following me. Stop it!!! You're scaring me!!!"

You say, "I'm here if you need me."

"Tangy flavor"

It is important that your platonic friend not take you too seriously. To do this, and to prove the strength of your friendship, throw in a few friendly jibes, especially when you need to remind yourself of the distance you need to keep. Point out some of her more obvious character flaws, then say, "But I love you anyway" or "That's why I love you."

Example: She says, "You've been stalking me. I've gotten a restraining order and a gun."

You say:

"Oh, right, like I really followed you into the girl's locker-room and camped outside your window all night. You've got a really high opinion of yourself, missy!"
Or, "You're paranoid. That's why I love you."
Or, "Oh, right, like you've really got a gun...aiiiiyyyyeeee!!! DON'T SHOOT!!"

"Extreme patience"

Not only is this a long-term project, but it also includes the ability to be on-call to respond to the inevitable personal crises.

Example: She calls you at 1:00 in the morning and says, "The guy I was seeing just dumped me."

You say, "I'll be right over with my sleeping bag and 4 days of iron rations."

Remember the mantra of the barbeque pit man: low and slow!

Geez, you are really on target!! I want to see your list of do's and don't's in a platonic relationship.
Do women enjoy destroying men's souls? Are they even aware they are doing it? Hear some excuses that women have given for doing what they do.
I am a simp. Why do I act this way? Please, tell me!
Joelogon, you are a total bonehead. Take me back to your home page.